Background: – 80s & 90s – times of growth and change

I first moved up to live in the Findhorn Foundation community in April 1986, having visited a few times in the previous 3-4 years, as I had met a community member when I came up for a (Child & Family) Experience Week in the summer of 1981.  She came down to London to live with me, we had a child together (her 1st, my 4th) and moved back up when our daughter was nearly 4.  I stayed for 17 years through many events of growth and change and moved away at last in July 2003.  It was a very formative time, both for me and the Community.

The earlier period of expansion, which almost bankrupted the Foundation, and then a period of collapse and retrenchment, was now over and the Foundation had re-established itself financially.  It had finished building the Universal Hall and had bought the Caravan Park, and there was a “what next” atmosphere: the concept of an Eco-Village began to manifest itself; the first Windmill was dumped on the green, until planning permission was obtained.

When we arrived – after the first summer (somewhat blighted by the Chernobyl disaster) – and then when we started renting a cottage in Findhorn village that winter, there were only about 40 people living outside of the grounds of the Findhorn Foundation (Members living in The Park & Cluny).  The Foundation also owned Drumduan, Cullerne, Station House, Traigh Bahn, and managed Erraid; and Newbold House was a ‘daughter-community’ near to Cluny.

The Phoenix Shop & the Caravan Park were being managed by New Findhorn Directions, and there were two independent businesses: the AES Solar Panel company and Minton House.

When I left, in 2003, there were 300-400 people living outside of the core of the Findhorn Foundation, the Moray Steiner School occupied Drumduan, eco-houses were being built on The Field of Dreams, Cullerne House had been sold, but the gardens were still being cultivated; Dunelands had bought the forest and the dunes to the north, and the Eco-Village was well-founded.

Psychotherapy in the Community

On arrival, I was the only qualified psychotherapist in the Community.  Some people counselled others and Jock Millenson ran the Apothecary.  I had trained in a body-oriented form of psychotherapy (1979-1983), was professionally registered, and had established a professional practice in London.  Moving here was a big change for me, though I had had visions of living in a community in my earlier life.

For the first 18 months, there was an ‘arrangement’ by which I worked half-time for the Foundation (in the Park Gardens) and I worked professionally in the afternoon, renting a therapy room in Minton House.  I also went through the 3-month ‘Orientation” programme to become a Member.  Later, I used a caravan, parked near the runway, as an office and therapy room.

There were a few other Alternative Health ‘practitioners’ in and around the community: mainly massage, herbal remedies, food nutrition, etc.  But if anyone went into a crisis (emotional, psychological, psychiatric, etc.), I was the person who was usually called out.  Indeed, the first week that I was there, immediately after an Easter Conference, one of the participants staying in Minton House came down to breakfast half-naked and I was called up by the frantic B&B owner to deal with the situation.
She was a very nice young woman, a Montessori teacher, attracted by the Easter Conference theme of Education, who was precipitated into her own personal ‘crisis’ by … shall we say … “the high energies”.  Having helped her stabilise, she then went and stayed on Iona for a couple of weeks, before going back home.

Spiritual Emergencies

I began to develop a way of working, professionally and psychotherapeutically, that maintained the person in crisis being relatively ‘safe’, yet also allowing them to go through their ‘psychic stuff’, until they were ready to move on.  Later on, we used a phrase (coined by Stan Grof), of “Spiritual Emergence” and “Spiritual Emergencies”, which he had developed when living and working at Esalen, Big Sur, California: another – maybe the first proper – “New Age” community.

I also developed ways of working professionally far removed from what I had been taught.  For example, the ‘tradition’ of a relative separation between client and therapist is fairly meaningless when one sees them at lunch in the CC, or when walking into the Station House sauna naked.

I ended up writing a document for the FF Guest Dept. people, which I later turned into a book (published by AuthorHouse, in 2011), First Contacts with People in Crisis and Spiritual Emergencies.

This document helped Guest Department members to know what to do when one of their guests ‘freaked out’ in some way.  Surprisingly, on average, this happened about 4-6 times per year and Cornelia and I developed an unofficial “Grey List” for the Accommodations Deptartment to try to ensure those people who had difficulties in the past didn’t just come back and repeat their crises.

We also developed – unofficially – a number of ‘Caretakers’ or ‘Guardians’ – people in the community who would ‘notice’ when someone started behaving strangely and would inform us so that we could then keep a look-out: i.e. Guest Dept. focalisers, the Park Focaliser, Harry (in charge of the Caravan Park), Cornelia and myself were the main people.

There was an unofficial ‘Red Flag’ system for weird events (or people acting weirdly), and we tried to intervene after the second ‘Red Flag’ and definitely at the 3rd ‘Red Flag’, before it developed into a full-blown (seemingly psychotic) crisis.  Then, it was: “Would you like to go to the Admissions Ward in Bilbohall Hospital in an ambulance (with men in white coats), or in my car?”  Some things we couldn’t handle; the trick was knowing it.  Even with hospital admissions, I would usually visit regularly and work quite hard to help them to get out – when appropriate – and get back into the community, or to get home safely.

The concept of ‘Spiritual Emergence’ as a healthy and natural psycho-spiritual, transformative process fitted in very well with the Foundation’s ethos and practice.  I even remember seeing a notice on someone’s bedroom door in Cluny saying, “Please Don’t Disturb: I’m having a Spiritual Emergence Process!”  Spiritual Emergencies needed support, containment, compassionate help and usually some ‘time out’: we occasionally used access to unoccupied caravans in the Caravan Park to create a “Zen Space” for people in crisis.

I have since written several published articles and presented the topic of “Spiritual Emergence & Emergencies” at national and international psychotherapy conferences, and held seminars at psychotherapy training centres.

I don’t use Grof’s ‘Holotropic Breathwork’ methods, as they can precipitate Spiritual Emergence processes (or Spiritual Emergencies) and that method or modality doesn’t train people enough in integration afterwards.  When we were holding these ‘Holotropic Breathwork’ sessions and trainings at Findhorn, we turned them from just a weekend workshop to a whole week programme, and built in walking meditations, painting mandalas, and other techniques to help the participants integrate their experiences.  Eventually, these Holotropic Breathwork sessions were stopped, as local media and other ‘interfering’ individuals ‘objected’ and caused investigations to happen.

On a more personal note, I was aware that I used my time at Findhorn to – essentially – re-parent myself within a somewhat less toxic ‘family’ than my family-of-origin.  The “One Incredible Family” concept is still very present, so I don’t think I am unique in this.  That does not mean to say that the “Findhorn Family” does not have its ‘hot spots’, ‘shadows’, or is totally sublime: it’s obviously not, but it is possibly much easier to identify and recognise these (slightly more negative) aspects and hopefully correct them in a more holistic environment.  Whether it can continue to do so depends mostly on the “Gatekeepers”, “Care-takers”, “Guardians” (often the Elders), but there is also, often a ‘natural’ (psycho-socio) reluctance to step in and intervene: so, to coin a phrase – “The Tyranny of Niceness” still persists.

Living in a Spiritual Community

There are incredible benefits in being – living – in a ‘spiritual community’, be it a Cistercian or Benedictine monastery (like Pluscarden Abbey), a Buddhist retreat centre (like Samye Ling’s Holy Island), or a “New Age” community, like the Findhorn Foundation, or Esalen, or the many others throughout the world.  One’s ‘Spirit’ is allowed to “be”!  There are no “condemnations”, “restrictions”, etc. and this ‘freedom’ is – of course – liberating and transformative.

However, it also carries a counter-cultural ‘dark side’.  Sometimes the Foundation Community – as a positive energetic force – actually ‘attracts’ its polarity: the negative.  And so, we have had our fair share of ‘stalkers’, ‘preachers’ calling us “From the Devil”; local community antagonists, vagrants, and “arsonists”!  This is just part of the ‘battle’ between Light and Dark!  We have to accept this – and move on!

Practitioner’s Group and developing a Code of Ethics

Within a couple of years of me being there, another fully qualified professional joined the community.  Cornelia Fellner (as she was then), a German medical doctor, also trained in alternative therapies and natural health.  Together, unofficially, but moved by our joint sense of professionalism, we brought together nearly all the alternative health practitioners into a Findhorn Practitioners’ Group and developed a suitable Code of Ethics and Practice for them.

I was already involved in several Humanistic Psychology and Body Psychotherapy professional associations, and so could ‘borrow’ and adapt some of their guidelines and codes of ethics and practice to suit the community.

This Practitioner’s Group was always fairly informal, some people were actively involved; others less so.  We had a website and a Directory of Practitioners, so as to inform people (locals and visitors) of what services were available.

Only – on one or two occasions – were there ‘issues’ with a particular practitioner, where some intervention was actually needed.

The Apothecary

About this time (mid to late 1980s), Jock Millenson, a Findhorn Member, had taken over the running of ‘The Apothecary’, and had converted the old toilets near the Park Entrance (where Eileen used to get her guidance), where he ran it as an independent business, selling herbs and natural remedies, with a little café, and even bike hire in the summer.  However, after a few years, and in his absence (due to illness), it eventually went bust, and the main ‘Apothecary’ business was then taken over by the Phoenix Shop, where it subsequently thrived. I have described my involvement in Jock’s story here.

Working as the first Health & Safety Officer

A few years after I arrived, and after the new Community Centre Extension was built, a couple of new Barrel Houses were started, and the first windmill ‘Moya’ was put up, the Findhorn Foundation Community started building houses.  This was a major development as a whole new legal structure had to be adopted.

The Caravan Park had been purchased with a ‘grant’ or a ‘gift’ from a source which didn’t support individual land ownership, so housing plots had to be ‘sold’ with just a ‘right of occupancy’.  This meant – in effect – that the purchaser of the plot did not ‘own’ the land: only the right to build on it, and their ‘purchase’ amount acted as a loan to the Foundation.  Ultimately, our auditors said that this created too much of a liability for the Foundation’s assets and the system was changed to ‘ownership’ of the plot, under certain ‘conditions’.  These were to utilise ‘eco-housing’ building techniques, car parking limitations, etc. – we tried to make these as eco-friendly as possible.

Three of the Barrel Houses had been built and were being finished off; the first windmill ‘Moya’ was up and running; and, in 1991, we started building eco-houses houses in Bag End.  That year, we started on 4 houses in Bag End, plus ‘Eileen’s house’ by the Community Centre.  There was a totally new energy in The Park.

Many of the caravans, often second-hand to start with, were now, after 20-30 years, old and rotting, so it was a pleasure to haul them out, break them up, and replace them with well-designed, attractive, eco-houses.  I was involved in the early stages of building new houses, developing ‘eco-house’ criteria (being a member of the Park Planning Group), and had gone on a week-long ‘Construction Site Safety’ course.

In 1992, we discovered that the European Union’s legislation required the Foundation – as a business – to have someone responsible for Health & Safety.  I had just had an accident to my right-hand, so someone said: “You’re it!”  So, I became the first Health & Safety Officer for the Foundation – not knowing what this implied.  I had a little office tucked away at the back of the Family House in The Park and then I started in.

Apart from focussing initially on the ‘Builders’, each of whom had to be initiated into Construction Site Safety, Park & Cluny Maintenance Departments seemed to have the most ‘risks’ at work: as they used power tools, chemicals, scaffolding, heavy loads, etc., as well as areas where ‘risk assessments’ were needed before any new job was started.  Both Maintenance Departments were very busy and the Departmental Focalisers often ‘burnt out’.  Any new regulations and new work practices had to be introduced … very carefully and gently.  My job was – therefore – to initiate a bunch of ‘New Age’ hippies into modern ‘standard’ Health & Safety regulations.  It was a little bit like herding cats.  Eventually, I adopted a strategy: “You want to keep people and the planet as healthy as possible: this is just the ‘mainstream’ way of doing it.”  It seemed to work.

The kitchens were also an area of concern, and Kitchen Focalisers and their staff now had to become much more aware of ‘food safety’ risks.  So, I organised little, day-long courses in food hygiene, with an outside tutor coming in from Moray College.  This was also helped by a new and fairly radical developmental extension of The Park’s Community Centre kitchens, involving a new ‘cold store’ and a new washing-up area.

Bus drivers were next: at that point in time, there were about 50-60 people who drove the various Findhorn Foundation buses, all with very little training or supervision.  My insistence about putting all our drivers through an assessment process was that, a couple of months earlier, an RAF driver, in one of their buses, had hit – and killed – someone walking on the Forres to Kinloss road at night.  Almost certainly a tragic accident, with possibly some carelessness, but – obviously – if it had been one of our drivers in one of our buses, there would have been absolute hell-to-pay.  At least, with these new measures, we could say that we had taken “reasonable and appropriate” steps to reduce risks.  First of all, all the drivers needed to be checked out.  I found someone local who ran a driving school in Elgin, who had previously trained bus drivers in Glasgow: Perfect!  He came over to The Park and we arranged for 3 Foundation drivers each to drive the bus to and from Cluny, with 2 watching and one driving, and then he gave them feedback.  Then, they changed places.  We then did another 3 after the mid-morning coffee break.  The 5 miles to Cluny & back incorporated everything needed: hill-starts, roundabouts, traffic lanes, right and left turns, etc.  This meant that a “professional” had assessed – and passed – all of our drivers: he had also ‘failed’ one or two.  Each driver also had to learn up the Highway Code and do a sample test, getting 80%; otherwise … sorry!

At that time, the buses were being maintained in a large garage shed at the bottom of Cluny drive.  The people who maintained the buses, the FF Transport Department ‘heros’, were also untrained, though experienced mechanically, and often working under poor conditions and time pressures: a classic cause for burn-out.  Yet the buses – some still old and rattly (until we got new Mercedes buses) – had to be kept running.  Eventually, we gave up on the in-house maintenance and got the buses properly serviced by a legitimate Mercedes dealer.

The weekly Saturday Erraid & Iona run (about 5-6 hours there, and 5-6 hours back) was a “bus-killer”.  In winter, it was dark for about 50% all told of the run; and the winter driving conditions could be vile.  Some of the more macho drivers drove both ways: but tiredness also kills – buses.  Luckily, only some of the buses ‘died’ on that run, and none of the passengers or drivers did.

So, I / we (inc. the Transport Dept.) – established 2 new basic rules: (1) there had to be two drivers – one out and one back (or two drivers splitting the run), with proper information and communications (mobile phones, telephone lists, alternative routes, etc.); and (2) in a new winter schedule, the newly-purchased Erraid van would meet the Findhorn bus at the Lochaline ferry, and thus split the route.  These interventions seemed to work, and we didn’t have any more accidents (that I was aware of) on that route.

Also, all Findhorn Foundation electrical office equipment, lights, hoovers, computer work-stations, and tools, had to be inspected and checked – we decided – every two years (but every 6 months for the Maintenance Dept. tools).  I employed a couple of lads to do this, listing each item, recording the test, and leaving an electrical-test sticker on the item.

We also had a specialist company come in and check all fire extinguishers annually, buying and fitting new ones when and where necessary.  We also checked the fire hydrants and hoses, and – for those interested – demonstrated how to use a fire extinguisher, by lighting up some logs and then putting the fire out.  The Foundation kids loved those demonstrations.

Each FF work department also needed to list the chemical products that it used, and also list the necessary steps to take in case of a spill or an accident.  Also, those departments, whose work involved those who had to lift and move heavy objects, needed to be informed of, and needed to implement, procedures about lifting heavy loads.  Those departments that had computers needed to comply with Display Screen Equipment (DSE) regulations and assess their computer workstations.  Finally, each FF work department needed to have a proper Health & Safety policy that listed all these different procedures.

In addition, there were also new developments: in The Park (like the ‘Living Machine’ – sewage treatment plant); or in Cluny (like the programme of re-wiring the whole building); or on Erraid (investing in composting toilets, and avoiding risks, like Farmer’s Lung, and unpasteurised milk); etc.  All these activities – and risks – needed to be assessed, and preventative steps worked out and taken, and then implemented: in an aging-Hippy environment, where these steps were seen as potentially ‘negative’, and ‘old hat’, and ‘square’.  It was some task!

I also took on the making of new wooden ‘signs’ for the various buildings in The Park and painting the roads (parking places) on The Park runway.  All these activities kept me more than busy, given my half-time activity.

Another – more pleasurable – spiritual – activity was to become involved with monthly Boundary Walks.  The Park’s ‘etheric’ boundaries needed renewing regularly – to our minds: and so, once a month, on Sundays, before ‘Brunch’, a few us walked The Park boundary, renewing its energy – and also picking up any litter.  We enjoyed our brunch, refreshed, renewed, all the more!

Being Ill in the Community

Living and working in a community, with principles of Love, Joy, Wholeness and Wellness, doesn’t usually incorporate the concept of getting ill.  However, in 1991-2, after the end of a romantic but disastrous relationship, I fell chronically ill.

My actual experience was that – on mountain hill-walks, which I did regularly with Jonathon Caddy and others – I couldn’t get to the top: I got easily out of breath.  One Saturday, after driving the Erraid bus, I went into the Station House sauna and then collapsed.  I went to bed, and thought I had flu, which was prevalent, for a couple of weeks.  Eventually, I was diagnosed as being chronically hyper-tensive (high blood pressure).  One of the long-term Foundation members, an ex-nurse, took my blood-pressure one day and said: “Courtenay, I am taking you to hospital!”  I didn’t have the energy to protest.

When we got to Raigmore Hospital, my blood pressure was (something like) 240 over 180: I was ‘that’ close to an aneurism!  I stayed in hospital for about a week and was eventually brought home and established in one of the bungalows (which happened to be empty at the time), somewhat looked after, and brought meals, etc.  Eventually, I emerged out of the hyper-tensive ‘fog’ and began to be able to look after myself and pick up the pieces of my life again.

I stayed – in virtual abeyance – for about 6 months.  There is no ‘cure’ for hyper-tension, no magical component, no holistic remedy.  I had to learn how to re-build my physiological / psychological activity.  I discovered one of my grandfathers was also hypertensive, so there may have been a genetic pre-disposition.  As I was no longer ‘working’, I – luckily – could legitimately claim ‘sickness benefit’ as I had kept up paying my National Insurance stamps.

Medication helped bring down my blood-pressure to an acceptable level (120/80), but I had to learn how to re-pace myself.  I was – I can now acknowledge – a pretty much addictive ‘workaholic’, looking for esteem (from others) in what I ‘did’, rather than feeling self-esteem for who I am.  This is a life-long lesson that I am still working with more that 30 years later.

At that time, the Foundation community was – it must be admitted – not very good at looking after its ‘members’ who were ‘ill’.  One of Peter Caddy’s foundational maxims was, “Work is Love in Action”.  This is all very well – as long as you can work!  If you can’t work, where does that leave you?  Inactive => Unloved?  So, I am glad to see that the Community has developed beyond this simplistic duality and that “Care in the Community” or “Wellness” – however it is labelled – is much more apparent nowadays.

As the Foundation’s Health & Safety Officer, I made it ‘necessary’ – with Cornelia’s support – that the more infirm of our elders wore ‘panic’ buttons, that they could press in an emergency.  As mentioned, for our guests and visitors, we instituted a “3-Bell Alarm System”, so that, if people seemed to be “in difficulties”, someone responded appropriately.

External Psychotherapy Activities

Between 1990 and 1994, I had organised several week-end annual conferences for one of my UK professional associations, using the Foundation computer system (for emails) and the locally available printing services as technical resources.  One of my sons, living locally in the Caravan Park, helped me with stuffing envelopes.

By 1996, my external psychotherapy activities had increased exponentially.  I had become the General Secretary – and later the President – of my professional (European-wide) psychotherapy association and was therefore responsible for sending out Newsletters and information to about 650 psychotherapist members throughout Europe.  I had also travelled to several (many) European conferences, and a couple of international conferences in the USA.  I had also met my future wife, Laura Steckler, at one of these conferences.

Taking on Meridian as a home

Around 1994, the Holistic Health Centre (HHC) had bought a terraced house in Forres, off the High Street, and I saw therapy clients there for a while.  We – and other counsellors – tried to get the local Health Centre in Forres to include counselling as a treatment option: but to no avail.

After a couple of years, Laura (who had been living in Houston, Texas) came to live with me at The Park, in ‘Meridian’, a house in Bag End that I had helped to build, and which had then become the local ‘health resource’ in The Park.

We bought the rest of the house, and got married, and lived there for several years, during which time we also ‘bought’ a section of the land behind Meridian (from Dunelands), as several of the Bag End residents wanted to enclose (fence) part of these ‘Bag End’ houses in The Park from the voracious deer.

Originally the ‘health department’ was situated in a caravan, Merlin, on the runway, and then – in 1991 – had moved into this house in Bag End, part-owned by a supporter of the FF Health Dept and part owned by Katie Lloyd who worked in the department.  I had ‘bought into’ this building and eventually ‘bought out’ the ex-Erraid member.  Laura and I, both practicing psychotherapists, used one of the rooms as a therapy room in which to see clients – thus continuing the ‘health’ aspect of Meridian.

After several years, Laura decided that the Findhorn Foundation community was not for her and she had, eventually, got her USA qualifications as a Clinical Psychologist accepted by the British Psychological Society.  She then decided to move to Edinburgh where she had obtained a locum position in the Pain Clinic, and I said, “Can I come too?”

We went through quite an interesting process ‘selling’ Meridian, the first house in The Park to be sold.  We opened a ‘bidding process’: one person bid equal or higher than another (who we preferred), so we “re-attuned” and encouraged a second round.  This was the first house in The Park to be sold and thus – unwittingly – it set a value for other houses – however, this was not our problem!

It actually took me, personally, about another 6-months to hand-over all my obligations to others (some of which didn’t work) and so I moved away from the Foundation in June 2003, after 17 years.  It felt totally appropriate.  I had received a massive amount – on many different levels – and I had also given a considerable amount as well.  So, enough already!