My Findhorn Journey

In 1970, after finishing university in California, I traveled to London and was drawn to visit the north of Scotland. But as I did not have contacts there at the time, the idea was rejected as following my intuition was not as ingrained as it later became. Though a deep restlessness had me constantly moving and working in Europe, the Middle East, Mexico, Canada, etc. That way of life was not sustainable but I was searching for a place to call home. A couple of years later, while working in New Zealand, an organic farmer told me how the vegetables that he played classical music to grew much better than those in the other, control greenhouse. He described the gardens of the Findhorn Community (FC) in Scotland and declared, “I think that you will go there one day.” I soon returned to the US but could not settle though learning to meditate in Hawaii was a way for me to deal with anxiety resulting from early childhood trauma and the practice also firmed my spiritual quest. A year later, a visitor came to stay in our share house, and he had lived in the FC in the early days and he also urged me to visit. I loved living in the tropics, but losing a job and the death of a couple friends, led to me wanting another change.

So in the mid 1970s, I booked a ticket to England and soon discovered that Peter and Eileen Caddy, two of the founders of the then Findhorn Foundation were giving a talk in London. As soon as I met them, there was an instant connection, and Eileen later told me that she knew I would join the community. I ventured north for an Experience Week, and though I enjoyed some of the planned program, I found myself drawn to talking to Eileen and Peter. Peter decided that I was a “sensitive” – someone who he saw as psychic; though for me it was just a matter of meditating and following inner promptings. At the time, I had planned to continue on to Australia, a country that an English relative had settled in years previously. But on my last night, I had a powerful dream about staying and travelling with the founders to Australia in the future. The urge to join the community was overwhelming and that idea felt more right than any decision I had ever made.

However, when interviewed by Mary of Personnel, she told me it was summer and that there was no work or housing for me as it was their busiest season. I haughtily declared if that was so, I’d find a place in the nearby Findhorn Village to stay until something opened up. I then departed for London to sort out a money transfer and I sent letters to Mary and the Caddys, informing them that I didn’t want to force my way into the community. On my return a week later, Mary informed me that miraculously housing and work had become available that would suit me and she as Personnel was fine with me becoming a member. I was ecstatic and happily moved into the Rainbow Caravan. For my first year in the community, I was energised like never before, and I always attended early Sanctuary; and later with Eileen, we created a Worldwide Networking Group in the Universal Sanctuary in the Park Building.

I liked the international feel as there were people from thirty-five countries and visitors came from all over the world. We may have had different spiritual beliefs but there was a great sense of camaraderie. Eileen’s guidance appealed to me with the Christ focus, as years earlier in the Middle East I had had profound experiences of Jesus and the Essenes. My work was initially in the Office and it was amazing to read the letters of people applying to visit. When I took over managing, that is focalising, the Office, Peter came to me with a suggestion to rearrange the files from alphabetical to having people’s folders be in country groupings. He used the rationale that with his international tours, that would be a way to contact people more easily. This was in the days before computers; however, I rejected his request and he seemed surprised. Peter initially ignored my refusal and asked how long it would take for us to accomplish the reorganizing. I was adamant that it did not make sense to do that. Peter looked surprised but thanked me and left smiling. He was often regarded by others as not only strong-willed but authoritarian, but Peter respected people who stood up to him and had the responsibility for a department.

Lifelong friendships were formed and I felt close to a number of new and supportive friends. There was an excitement in the atmosphere, a true buzz, and we had a lot of fun, swimming in the brisk North Sea, at Sharings on Friday nights (with poetry readings, music, plays, and skits by members and visitors). And for the first time in my life I felt safe. Peter also tried to get me to share my intuitive thoughts or guidance with him but Eileen warned me not to do so, as she had stopped receiving such instructions from within for Peter and the community. So I never did though I used to tease Peter that he would listen and take on board whatever a person said if they declared it was guidance. Although he also cautioned himself and others to use discrimination.

I lived there for about five years, soon working in Personnel and the managing Core Group. During that time (someone felt prompted to lend me money for travel) so that I could join the tours to the US, European countries, New Zealand, and Australia. It was inspiring seeing people’s reactions to Peter’s slide shows about building a spiritual community. And people were very touched and helped by encounters with Eileen. In fact, a wealthy man at Eileen’s workshop in Brisbane was inspired to change his business model and to buy some land, which has since become a major permaculture village in Queensland.

What struck me on that tour and at other times was how calm and energetic Peter was and how nothing unsettled Eileen – except her exasperation with Peter. One day we were all in a very small airplane flying to Perth from a southern community and we hit an electric storm; and as the plane was tossed around, the pilot told us to tighten our seat belts. Terrance turned green and I felt nauseous but Eileen was unfased, sitting calmly looking out the window; and she told us it would be all right. Living in the Caddy bungalow on my return from Australia and witnessing the demise of Eileen and Peter’s marriage was difficult but I strived to be supportive and understanding.

When I left, I initially moved back to Hawaii – this time Maui. Coincidentally, many people (about 25 individuals who had lived in the Findhorn Community or would move there in the future) all lived within a few kilometers of each other. Even Peter spent some time living in the area when he left the community. I had obtained a position managing a health program at a hotel named the Mana-Kai Maui and Peter was invited to do the program and it helped him to improve his health.

Kathleen Fekete, Doug Genovia, Eileen Caddy, Maria Durkin, Helen Rubin in Maui 1980

In the early 1980s, I immigrated to Australia and this country has been my home for the last 41 years. I have a deep connection with both the Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples of the country, and have worked in health, education and welfare. Much of what unfolded in my work and private life has been the result of contacts I made on the 1979 Findhorn tour with Peter, Eileen, Vance Martin and Terrance Plowright. A few years later when Eileen was on tour in Australia and I was living in Brisbane but relocating to Cairns (a few days north), she drove with me and my son Paul, then almost two years old. The journey was difficult because of car trouble in the sweltering summer heat, and there was no air conditioning in the car. But Eileen remained centred and reminded me that she had grown up in Egypt and did not mind the heat.

When we got to Cairns, Eileen presented her workshop despite an impending cycloneand the next day described with glee the sight of large uprooted palm trees blowing down the road outside of her hotel. My son Paul was one of Eileen’s many godchildren, and she always made sure to buy us both lovely gifts when we saw her on travels. I also met up with Dorothy Maclean in the US and Australia and she was a great support with her wise counsel when I was pregnant and later was going through a difficult time with an ex-partner.

with Eileen in Hawaii

In 1990, I was privileged to help Peter with writing his autobiography and we had some wonderful excursions in Germany, Austria and Switzerland. His youngest son Daniel later joined us and I was stunned to hear Peter tell me that his reason for not parenting his other children was that he didn’t want to be a father like his had been – harsh and demanding; but then he regretted not being more involved with them. He told me he wanted to change and made sure to thank the many people who had contributed to the community in future years.

I am very grateful to Peter and Eileen Caddy, the Findhorn Community/Foundation and the many friends I made there who all led me to deepen my faith, better know God, value service and to live a spiritually focused life.

 

With Peter Caddy and others

I have returned a few times to visit and work in the community and have attended gatherings of ex-members in other countries. The people and lifestyle of the Findhorn Community remain the pivotal encounters and experiences of my life that continue to impact all that I do.

Helen Rubin