I was 33 when I went to Findhorn in 1984, and stayed for five years. Although the people I met and the departments I worked at were important to my growth, my main journey was an internal one. If I could summarize, it would be to say my relationship with God changed from feelings of loneliness and separation to feeling a strong connection with my soul within.

My first years were spent healing old wounds and distorted thoughts: anger with my parents, codependent leanings, fears. With each challenge I reoriented my focus, from people and events in the outer world to what was most important, the support I received from Spirit.

At one point, I had a nervous breakdown after a summer of focalizing Experience Weeks where I worked too hard to please all the guests. It was fascinating. My brain stopped functioning. I heard what people said to me but could not make sense of any of it. I was mentally oriented, so to have my brain stop doing all that calculating was a wonderful respite. That breakdown, however, unleashed deep-seated anger, directed at God.
After a series of disappointments, I told God/Spirit to get fucked (not a word I ever used lightly) and battled through a year of chosen separation from my soul. My memories of that time were of a grey world with storm clouds brewing and my heart area burning with a red-hot rage. I actually ended up at a hospital with an infection, a purging of sorts. Eventually I left the community, determined to make my own way, and moved to California, with the hopes of training at the Psychosynthesis Institute in London in the fall.

Back in London, I attended the initial program at the Institute, and had a powerfully transformative workshop. Then I waited to see if my application would be accepted. It was not, immediately, and I was put on a waiting list. My self-willed intent to train in London was being delayed, giving me enough time to think through my decision. My thoughts spinning, I realized that I may win a fight here and there with my inner God, but I would never, ever win the war. And so I surrendered. Opening to my soul again, I was flooded with love from Spirit, the love I had refused for a year. Rather than moving forward on my dreams of being a psychotherapist, I knew I had more to do at Findhorn and joyfully returned to my spiritual home.

I was hyper-sensitive at that point, so moved to Drumduan to separate from all the bustle of community life. I worked at Communications while following my inner promptings into what I called a Dark Night of the Soul. I faced my ugly parts, my pride and envy, etc. and accepted them as part of the Godliness that is me.

My self grew under that acceptance and I expanded outward again, eventually focalizing the Orientation program before experiencing the prompt that led me to leave the community and face the regular world. My links with my soul were strong when I left for good, unlike the insecure being I was when I first came. I did finally train to be a psychotherapist and was able to give to others what I had gained from my time at Findhorn.

Findhorn was essentially my spiritual teacher. I was at a safe place where I could go through the deep healings and transformations I needed. So many beautiful experiences, wonderful people, synchronous events, and spiritual lessons. So many ways to cleanse and opportunities to open my chakras. In my early years there, I took from the community. While focalizing others in the garden and in the Guest Dept, I used those experiences to heal myself. In my latter years there, I gave back to the community as best as I could.

This is a summary of my story, which I have recently put in a memoir entitled Finding My Soul: Five Years at the Findhorn Community. If you are interested, it is available on Amazon, Apple Books and can be ordered at local bookstores.

Bonnie Blue