This list was put together several years ago. If your favourite move about ageing, end-of-life or death & dying is missing – please put it in the Comments below and we will add it. Also if anyone would have the inspiration and time to add links to where these films can be found – please get in touch!)

The Death and Life of Charlie St. Cloud (Between Love and Promise to look after brother)
Driving Miss Daisy (Ageing, Friendship)
Goodnight Mister Tom (Deep Friendship Old Man – Young Boy)
Hannah Hauxwell (True Story; Hard Life – Letting Go – Travelling 1st Time)
Harold and Maude (Love between old woman and young man)
Little Big Man (Old Man’s Western Epic with Dustin Hoffman)
On Golden Pond (Family Relationships, esp. Grandfather –son)
The Iron Lady (Life/Aging of M. Thatcher, dementia)
Untouchables (4th Age after Accident, Friendship)
Mrs Caldicot’s Cabbage War (nursing home)
Amour (couple facing debilitating stroke and death)
Departures (funerals)
Marigold Hotel (Ageing, new beginnings)
Cocoon (old age, housing)
The Notebook (dementia)
My Mother Frank (empty nest, early onset dementia)
Meet Joe Black (death)
The Bucket List (time to start living)
The Secret Life of Bees (trauma, healing, racism)
The Quartet (nursing home)
Fierce Grace (stroke, Ram Dass)
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (ageing, nursing home)
When did you last see your father (dying, life review, father – son)
Enlightenment Guaranteed (Buddhism)
Mo (Mo Mowlam, cancer, Northern Ireland)
Lost for Words (stroke)
Calendar Girls (leukaemia, empowerment)
The Butterfly and the Diving Bell (locked in syndrome)
A Short Stay in Switzerland (assisted dying)
Sliding Doors (life perspective, ‘ghost’)
The World’s Fastest Indian (living the dream)
Million Dollar Baby (assisted suicide)
Blonde Bombshells (living the dream)
Seven Pounds (redemption, suicide)
Tuesdays with Morrie (living to the end)
Five People You Meet in Heaven (afterlife)
Nosso Lar (afterlife)
What Dreams May Come (after life)
A Long Way Down (suicide)
Choosing to Die (Terry Pratchett documentary) (assisted dying)
Cocoon (retirement home, rejuvenation through aliens)
HardTalk – Atul Gawande (choices for final stage of life)
My Name is Khan (Asperger’s, muslim man in US post 9/11)
Book thief (WW2, young heroine)
Griefwalker (death and dying in modern Western society)
Still Alice (early onset Alzheimers disease)
Iris (true story Iris Murdoch, dementia)
007 Sky Fall
Saving Grace [2000] (bereavement, ecomonic struggle)
Coming Home (Anti War, Paraplegic coping with life)
Ghost (Love, Death and Thereafter)
Harry & Tonto (Flexibility in Old Age, after ‘world’ breaks down)
My Love My Life (Youth, cancer)
Somewhere in the darkness (young boy, old man trapped)
Angel Doll (true story, sick little sister)
Melinda and Melinda (perspective of life)
King’s Speech (overcoming speech impediment)
A Shine of Rainbows (overcoming limitation, acceptance)
Somewhere tomorrow (ghost)
Terms of Endearment (mother, daughter, cancer)
Flatliners (near death experiences)
Big Fish (father, son)
The Greatest Love Makes Us Human (bereavement)
Happy (documentary on happiness)
Raging Grannies (grannies questioning economic growth)
My sister’s keeper (childhood leukaemia, genetic match sibling)
Tukdam: The Point of Death

What is the present situation regarding funding for care? Who decides? How much care is paid for? Who pays? Funding for respite care? Funding for adaptations to the home? etc. etc.
The question of funding care is one of the corner stones needed to ‘put your house in order’ for personal and social sustainability.

Report of Community Care Circle Workshop Curriculum for the 4″‘ Age: Clutter Clearing 25 May 2011

We began with a Quiz Everyone was asked to stand, then sit down if:

• you fairly often have to hunt for your house keys, car keys or spectacles
• you could not produce your passport in less than 2 minutes
• you have things in your house/loft/garage/shed that don’t work or are broken, and there’s little chance they’ll ever be mended
• you often feel that your house is overIoaded………etc (If you’re still standing you can go home!)

We looked at the effects of living with the kind of situations that had you sifting down. And at how we benefit from being clutter-free and organised? Why particularly at this time of life?

• To maintain independence as long as possible;
• To prepare ourselves for being cared for by having our affairs in order and our home clear and orderly;
• So as not to leave a burden for the next generation, or unintentional shocks and surprises!
• To be ready to down-size to go to smaller place or a home.
• To have energy for unfulfilled dreams/ambitions/journeys etc
• For 4th Age service…..maximum freedom/fluidity/responsiveness

What does it mean to be organised? You can find what you need when you need it. You don’t feel encumbered in achieving your goals. You are happy in your space.

We addressed particular clutter challenges such as paper work, emails, the post, books. The key message here is to reduce what comes into your home or email box; return unsolicited post to sender, and find the ‘Unsubscribe’ box for unwanted regular emails.

Various possible initiatives arose: A “Clutter List” of seldom used items people are happy to share. We have so far a fondue set, VHS recorder, digital projector and a shredder. A Swap Party of women’s clothes, Wed 6*“ July 11-12:30. A combined trip to Waste Busters to get rid of our surplus. Co-Cluttering (or should that be Co—De-Cluttering!) where people help each other with specific tasks.

Session and report by Margie McCallum

Report of Community Care Circle Workshop Curriculum for the 4″‘ Age: The Wheelchair-Friendly House 22 June 2011

Occupational Therapist, Janice McLeod: OT is about maximising the abilities we do have, physical and mental. The OTs are part of Moray Community Health, opposite the Post Office in Forres. A GP referral is not necessary (though more information may be sought from your GP). Phone the Duty Line: 01309 694000 [2024: OT services are now in the Forres Health and Care Centre]

Examples of self referral would include decreasing mobility regarding getting out of bed, out of a chair, in and out of the house, using the toilet and bath. Increasingly the emphasis is on “enablement”; doing with, not for.

An OT will visit your home and look at things you’re struggling with and suggest different ways to do things, possible equipment, and therapeutic help.

The Moray Resource Centre, part of the Disabled Living Centre in Elgin, would be well worth a visit to learn what help and aids are available. Ring first: 01343 551339 Sensory Services, Moray. (next door) For hearing and sight Moray Care and Repair: Helps those with own home or private rental get quotes and ensure work is completed. Ph. 01343 548660 Handy Person Service: (free) Small one-off jobs such as hanging pictures, fixing a sticky lock, changing light bulbs. Telecare all manner of aids to assist the care of someone vulnerable, such as sensors to alert that the person is going out the door, or is out of bed, or heading up the stairs.” (charge £15 per quarter) ‘

Wheelchair Care: private company in Forres Shopmobility: wheelchairs and scooters for shopping in Elgin. Ph. 01343 552528 Red Cross: short term borrowing of equipment. Ph. 01343 542203 Stair Lifts: can be applied for — installed free of charge and a quarterly charge made Home Accessible Grants: eg to convert bathroom to wet room. 80% granted, and 20% assessed on income, but grants are only made when all the smaller aids have been tried.

Community Care Circle (NFA) owns some equipment stored in The Park

OT Assessment:

• Priority 1: usually visited within 2 weeks (really at risk; terminal illness; children; out of hospital)
• Priority 2: up to 8 weeks

The ideal home for someone approaching the 4th Age:

• square rooms — much easier layout for wheelchairs (15m square is good size)
• on one level with lift, or ground floor
• no thresholds between rooms
• plugs and light switches at a height accessible when sitting
• lowered area in kitchen for making hot drinks and snacks from a wheelchair
• fridge, stove and shelves at mid—range height
• B00-850mm door width
• lever taps and door handles
• an electric socket and telephone socket less that 1.5m apart
• toilet at height of 20 inches
• reinforced ceiling for ceiling hoist
• slim radiators or under floor heating
• doors opening against the wall, or sliding
• bathroom door opening out

Report: Margie McCallum

There is a range of levels in Caring

• caring for someone
• co-caring – helping each other with varying needs
• receiving care

They all interlink and require a balance of

• personal development, consciousness, attitude – “gratitude”
• personal relationships – “nurturance”
• personal and collective resources – “support”.

Key Questions:

1. What would I find difficult about receiving care? Loss of independence, control, privacy, dignity, having to ask for help
2. How could I help myself if I need help? Being honest and realistic about what I can do and what I need, being clear in my requests, accepting help with grace and appreciation, keeping a sense of humour

Things to consider which would help me keep as much independence as possible and help anyone who was supporting me.

Home

• Ease of mobility inside, ease of cleaning, removal of unnecessary furniture, de-clutter everywhere –cupboards, shelves, books, clothes, garage, sheds
• Give everything a place so you remember where it is and can direct people
• Heating – is it adequate in key rooms
• Bathroom – possibility of a walk –in shower (removal of bath if necessary)
• Bedroom – single bed, access to bathroom & toilet, room for commode
• Access to home – state of paths, steps, wheelchair access, lighting
• Garden – low maintenance, keep trees and hedges manageable, allow others to use your garden for growing veg. etc
• Personal Affairs – keep in order, make a Will, appoint executors, up to date address book, personal papers in an accessible file eg birth, marriage, certificates, Will, funeral requests, bank accounts, car details, addresses of pension providers.
  If a couple and one does all the paper work consider working together so both know what to do

Care – advice about what is available eg personal care, delivery of meals, home help, personal support from friends, installation of safety equipment eg hand rails, alarm button.
Extra paid support – cleaner, gardener

Continuing and developing interests, hobbies, friendships – radio, music, t.v., reading, crafts, light gardening, coffee mornings, emails, participating in community activities and events.

Emotional/Spiritual – taking care of unfinished business, unfulfilled, dreams, ambitions, promises, journeys – Healing rifts, completions, forgiveness

Questions to consider in small groups:

1. What are your worst fears around ageing?
2. What fears do you have around death and dying?

Summary of Responses to Fears Around Ageing:

• loss of independence
• loss of dignity
• fear that I have not completed my Soul task/purpose before dying
• fear of pain, discomfort and limitation
• fear of being alone during the ageing process
• fear of losing the plot and if friends will tell me
• fear of becoming ugly
• fear of becoming irrational, violent and abusive
• fear of having to care for another person and feeling incapable
• fear of living alone and not being able to summon help in an emergency
• fear of being in an environment eg a care home where I may not have peace and quiet
• fear of being neglected or abused in a residential care home
• loss of role, identity, career
• fear of being a burden
• fear of being locked in my body eg in a coma
• fear of depression, dementia, Alzheimers disease
• loss of freedom to go outside in nature

Summary of responses to Fears Around death and Dying:

• fear of a painful, lonely or lingering death
• fear of waking inside a coffin
• fear of extinction and the unknown
• fear of letting go of all I love and sadness of leaving loved ones
• fear of not being able to breathe
• fear of not being able to choose when I die and fear that my children will not be present
• anxiety about leaving a partner behind
• anxiety around concepts of ‘heaven’ and ‘hell ‘ and have I done enough?
• fear about the actual process of dying
• fear around my actual state of being at death eg fearful, in shock
• not being in control
• mistrust of conventional medicine and finding the right treatment if required or the right to say ‘leave me alone’
• anxiety about when it is time to call the family for the final goodbye
• fear I won’t be able to express my needs

Hope Can We Support Each Other to Face All These fears?

We found it helpful to talk about our fears and know that we are not alone as everyone else had very similar fears to us.

We agreed to create a ‘Buddy Network’ where we had the permission to contact a buddy should we require assistance. It was suggested that by the time we next meet we will have found 4 buddies each.

Report on Curriculum for the 4″‘ Age Workshop 4″‘ January 2012 ‘Life Review’

We reflected on the following questions on our own, then shared in pairs, and then brought to the whole group something significant that came up for us.

1. What do I bring to life that is uniquely me? (abilities, attitudes, achievements, passions, skills, loves… think about your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual self… your connection with family, friendship, health and well—being, work, contribution, leisure… )
2. What do I give to others, and what do they receive from me? (listening, food, cherishing, respect…)
3. What might I choose to compost, complete, leave behind? (relationships, situations, attitudes, activities, commitments, dreams, resentments, guilts, sorrows, disappointments…)
4. What might I choose to bring forward to the next part of my life? These are some of the responses:

• Speak my truth – live more loudly – let others challenge me if they want to.
• Compost the ties that bind me to my ex-husband and children and the wish to be loved and approved of by them and their spouses.
• Leave behind judgement of myself and others, and my over-commitment, stress and guilt. Trust that I can pace and nurture myself.
• Enhance my divine connection, inner-time, solitude.
• Recognise that I do belong; step forward from my time of retreat.
• Reflect on my own needs, bringing forward a sense of inner harmony. Release the need to serve — just share my own life in joy.
• Work towards starting something like this group, that is Forres-based for Forres people.
• Be prepared to get out of my comfort-zone and live more adventurously. Be kind to myself.
• Be in a place of gratitude for all the richness of my life. Really embrace life, take risks, go for it!
• Synthesise what and who I am, and bring that forward into transformation.
• Move towards bravery and optimism. *Brlng myself into oneness in my physical/emotional/and spiritual being. Share my path with others more — my experiences with Nature and the Divine. Release doubts and self- judgement. Enjoy music, song and dance.
• “Put the rocks in first” — sing, dance, play, paint, write. Work towards transforming conflict — my own Inner, with others, and in the Community.

workshop format:

1) Our personal Buddy network – are there buddies in the room? => small groups to discuss what would they want from their buddy, what can they give to a buddy network. Very practical, very specific

If anyone doesn’t have buddy in the room get together and discuss theoretically. How to find buddies for those who still need some.

Feedback findings to all – make sure it includes

definition of buddy/commitment expectations – reciprocal, co-caring, “godparent”, formal set-up, lapse only with mutual agreement, mentor, friend, lend a hand, pass on information, facilitate support, be at the end of the phone, not long-term care commitment rather a commitment to keep in touch, not a taxi-service, importance to give a ‘loving no’ to your buddy “I can only trust your Yes if I know your No”, confidentiality

practicalities – display tel. numbers by your telephone, network: let all your buddies know who your buddies are

2) How to create a culture of Buddy Networks in the community?

3) Next steps

I refer to the paid helper who looks after you as ‘she’ because most carers are women. If you are fortunate enough to have a male carer just cross off the ‘s’ every time I write ‘she’.

The relationship between carer and client can be wonderful, a mutually beneficial and joyful friendship. Or it can be awful. In very many ways, how it pans out is up to you. (I have written some notes for your carer, too, but no peeping. Focus on your own role.)

Fundamental to establishing a good working relationship with your carer is to make sure she knows exactly what you expect of her. I can hear some of you say, “She should know!” and in general terms that’s true, but that denies individuality, both on your part and hers. Well-cooked vegetables to you may mean melt in the mouth, and to her, a stage beyond stir-fry crisp.

As time passes you and your carer may become like two cogs in a well-oiled machine, but to start with you’re in charge. You have a managerial role to fulfil. You may have had authority in your working life; now’s the time to use it with extra subtlety.

In the wonderful little book, The One Minute Manager, the authors Blanchard and Johnson make it the manager’s firm responsibility to ensure that an employee knows what’s required. It may seem a little strange to use this business model at home, but its very simplicity makes it applicable in all spheres of life. When both parties are clear about what’s required, and agreed, the way ahead is straightforward. So, think inform and clarify.

Feel free to teach and show what you mean by a thorough vacuum, a well-ironed shirt, a gentle wash, and not being rushed. Each of us is a product of our family and social background. It’s sobering to take on board that if you grew up in her household you’d most likely do and see things just the way she does. Your carer’s way is different from yours, not worse. Implying that if she’d been brought up properly she’d know to warm the dinner plates may knock her confidence. Try, “I really like my dinner served hot on a pre-warmed plate because it takes me so long to eat it. Would you make sure you do that, please.” Or, “When you leave the door open I get cold very quickly. Please do close it after you.”

When something important to you is done the way you want it, let your carer know. Do it soon, and be specific. Now you’re thinking encourage and correct.

When something isn’t right, first go back to what you thought you’d agreed. Review it, clarify, and agree again. Only if this doesn’t change your carer’s ways is it time to speak to her. Even so, do wrap it up in praise and encouragement. We all do much better that way. Try, “Lucy, I’m delighted with the way we’re working together about meals now, and your telephone manner makes me proud to employ you, but I really would like you to be up before eight in the morning to help me get dressed. Tomorrow at eight then?”

As a carer I’ve found it a relief to understand just how I’m not coming up to the mark. One dear woman who had regularly to be transferred from wheelchair to hoist told me very clearly how it felt to be suspended over the toilet and allowed me to practice making the process smoother.

So, inform, clarify, encourage, correct. What other one-word gems does the One Minute Manager give us?

Laugh!

Many a tense situation dissolves with laughter. My huge embarrassment at having somehow let the lovely Mrs Murphy slide out of her wheelchair was banished later in the day when she laughed about being deposited on the grass just short of a puddle.

Another word from the One Minute Manager:

Enjoy!

For more enjoyment in your caring relationship first have an attitude of gratitude. Thank your carer for the little things like letting the cat in and heating your wheat bag.

If she bugs you, remember to look for her good points. Maybe she has a car and takes you places, or remembers to make your bed, however inadequately. Just practice looking for what’s working between you. A positive perspective has the power to turn a very difficult situation into a rewarding one. And do remember that comparatively few people have the privilege of being cared for in their own homes.

Enjoyment can also be created by drawing out your carer’s talents and using them to mutual benefit. Is she orderly? Make a regular time to go through a drawer or shelf together. Does she love baking? Invite a friend or two for tea and have them take away what you won’t use. Let her shine in her own unique way and enjoy the spin-offs.

Life is too short to get mad, and actually it’s an opt-out. Instead, inform, clarify, encourage, correct, laugh and enjoy. When you remember your responsibilities in relation to your carer, chances are you’ll end up training each other into a warm and generous companionship.

Article written by Margie McCallum for publication in a magazine – but ever so relevant for the Curriculum for the 4th Age.

Introduction: Explain what a ‘bucket list‘ is. (dreams/wishes you would like to fulfil before you ‘kick the bucket‘)

1. Think of a dream or wish that you once had which has been fulfilled.
2. Is there a dream or wish that you have now abandoned? Can you replace this wish/dream with something else, which would bring you a similar sense of achievement or wholeness?
3. What dreams/wishes do you have yet to be realised? This could be a place to visit, an activity or hobby, a work project, some kind of creative expression or unfinished business etc
4. From your list of dreams/wishes choose one, which you could realistically work towards fulfilling.

You are invited to report back at our next workshop in September. You may wish to call on your buddies for assistance or encouragement.

Completion: Form one circle and everyone is invited to share the dream/wish they aim to work towards fulfilling by September.

Bucket List 2

Those present shared their journeys with their bucket list since the last workshop.

WHY SHOULD I MAKE A WILL?

Without a will you cannot control who will inherit your property after death and your property will be distributed according to the law.

Making a will enables you to determine who will administer your estate after death.

Making a will allows you to appoint a guardian for any minor age children you have if they are left without a surviving parent.

Your will can include preferences for burial or cremation or organ donation.

WHO SHOULD MAKE A WILL?

BOTH partners in a marriage or civil partnership should each make a will.

If you are living with someone and you want that person to benefit from your estate you MUST make a will expressing your wishes otherwise your partner may receive nothing.

WHO WILL ADMINISTER MY ESTATE AFTER DEATH?

You need to name an executer in your will. The executer is responsible for ensuring your property is distributed to your beneficiaries according to your wishes. The executer could be a friend, family member or a solicitor.

CAN I MAKE CHANGES TO MY WILL?

You can amend or add something to your will using a codicil which should be witnessed and signed. However you should not change your will by revising or altering it by crossing things out etc as this will make it invalid.

WHEN IS IT NECESSARY TO MAKE A NEW WILL?

You should consider making a new will when there is a big change in financial circumstances, marriage or civil partnership, family additions, moving to another country, divorce.

DO I NEED TO GO TO A SOLICITOR TO MAKE A WILL?

If your affairs are complicated you should ask your solicitor to draft your will.

If your affairs are simple and straightforward you can make your own will. You need to ensure you use a Scottish Will Form which is different to an English Will Form. You can get Scottish Will Packs from Amazon eg Lawpack-Self Help Kit

Once you have made a will keep it in a safe place and inform your executer where it is kept.

Remember if you die without making a will it can leave your family and friends with a lot of unnecessary work to do.

Over 20 people attended the meeting of 30 March for the presentation on Continuing and Welfare Power of Attorney (PA), principally led by local solicitor Colin Styles.

There are two types of Power of Attorney-one to cover welfare and another (Continuing) to cover financial affairs. A solicitor strongly suggests you cover both areas. This legal document lets you appoint someone you trust such as a friend, relative or professional to make decisions on your behalf should you become mentally incapacitated at any time. To set up Power of Attorney you need the document to be signed by a solicitor and a GP. It then has to be registered with the Office of Public Guardian.

You do not need a solicitor to draw up PoA . Information available on http://www.publicguardian-scotland.gov.uk/power-of-attorney

The Community Care Circle will follow up the meeting on PoA with another session in the CC after the l0.00AM Meditation in The Park Sanctuary on 11 May. Power of Attorney forms will be available for people to discuss and complete if they wish. Do come and join us.

What Makes a Funeral?

Report on Curriculum for the 4th Age 12 October 2011

Questions to ponder:

• Right now, if someone close to you died, how prepared would you be emotionally and informationally, to give them a fitting farewell?
• Why have a funeral? – to share feelings of grief and loss and give/receive support; to honour and celebrate the life of the person who has died; to dispose of the body; and to acknowledge that life has changed, and begin to look towards the future with hope.
• Who is a funeral for? – both the deceased, to carry out his/her wishes, if known, and those who need to remember, to say goodbye, to make their completion and sometimes there is a tricky balance to hold. Respect their wishes; meet your needs.
• Where might a funeral be held? – The funeral ceremony may be held anywhere, with the permission of those affected — village hall, hotel, club room, sports centre, your own home or garden, on a boat… where best might reflect the individual person, and meet practical considerations.
• There are also options about where a body may be . lf l am buried… on farm land, in a large garden, at sea, here in Wilkie’s Wood natural burial ground.
  There are considerations governing the more unusual options, but they do exist.
• What makes a funeral uniquely appropriate to the particular person? – the venue, coffin/shroud, style of ceremony, readings, music, tributes, symbolic objects, style/colour of dress, mode of transportation, floral decoration, service sheet or other take-home memory, photos, slide show…

A What is a ‘Findhorn’ funeral like?

‘What would you like for your own funeral? And what don’t you want? How much would you like to plan yourself and how much leave to family and friends to decide?

Resources:
Wilkie’s Wood Green Burial Ground — info on: http://www.findhornhinterland.org/green-burial/

1. we listened together to an interview with Joan Bakewell “Suppose I Loose It” on BBC radio – and discussed our thoughts and feelings
2. we invited a Dementia Advisor from Alzheimer Scotland to speak to us about diagnosis, prognosis, treatment options, support available etc. It is clear that there more information an individual and their surrounding family and community has about dementia the better the life quality of the dementia sufferer. Addressing fears and taboos will allow people to continue to interact, participate in life, enjoy nature, exercise and social activities. More information on http://www.alzscot.org/
3. Next steps:
   1. Making a Playlist for Life – music can stimulate memories, social interaction, calm an agitated dementia suffered. More info on http://www.playlistforlife.org.uk/
   2. Becoming a Dementia Friend
   3. Creating community trainings to raise awareness, information and skill levels